Why you will never marry Mark Darcy…

BREAKING NEWS: Bridget Jones is fiction!!

Yes, folks. I realise this will come as a shock but Bridget Jones, that well-known fictional diary of a 30-something, written by well-known fiction author Helen Fielding is in fact fiction. That is to say it is untrue. Bridget is not real. Sorry.

And it’s not just her. Mark Darcy is fictional too. Yes, I’m afraid so. He does not exist. You will never meet him. He will not marry you. And not just because he’s fictional but also because he clearly doesn’t want to date you. He likes girls in their 20s and even if you are in your 20s, chances are you’re just average and he definitely doesn’t like average girls.

If that wasn’t enough, Helen Fielding has just this weekend revealed that he won’t be appearing in her new book because he’s dead. Which I’m fairly sure makes the chances of you meeting and marrying him even slimmer.

Never mind. You know who isn’t fictional (or dead)? That 5’8″ guy who works in IT. When I say he isn’t fictional, I am of course speaking in the loosest sense given that, well… he is fictional. I made him up. I just invented him. But the point is people like him DO exist. People like Mark Darcy DON’T. And even when they do, they don’t want to date you.

So Mark Darcy = fictional and even when not fictional wouldn’t want to date you.

IT consultant = also fictional but more likely than Darcy to be not fictional and even though no evidence exists to suggest he would want to date you he’s definitely more likely than fictional Darcy to want to date you.

Got it? Good. Now go date an IT consultant you average, overweight, alcoholic, ideas-above-your-station, mess of a woman (That’s Bridget jones I’m describing, yeah? And you’re exactly like Bridget Jones). It doesn’t matter if he’s a total prick, what matters is that he’s 5’8″ and an IT consultant.

Do you want to end up alone? DO YOU? I’ll ask you again: DO YOU WANT TO END UP ALONE? Because 1 in 3 of you will unless you start dating IT consultants NOW. I’m serious. There are statistics. From where? Well er… they were compiled by the UK’s leading matchmaker, Haley Hill. What do you mean you’ve never heard of her, her dating agency (Elect Club) or any of her previous work?

There’s no doubt I get some daft press releases but this has got to be my favourite for a while. Let’s go through it line by line shall we…

PRESS RELEASE

Leading matchmaker reveals the Bridget Jones phenomenon made her job impossible.
This sentence is ridiculous.

Figures released today show only 1 in 3 women over 35 will find love.
This is devastating news. How… how can this be? How could they know this?

Just over a week before the release of Helen Fielding’s ‘Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy’ new statistics reveal that two out of three professional women who are 35 and single, will never find love.
OH GOD not ‘new statistics’…

And even if they do.
Ok, so here’s where it gets tricky. They categorically WON’T find love… but ‘even if they do’?? Well are they going to find love or aren’t they? WE NEED TO KNOW.

He won’t be Mark Darcy.
Um… well, no. Because he’s a fictional character?

In fact, he’s more likely to be a 5’8″ IT consultant than a 6’2″ Human Rights Barrister.
Well, that would seem a sensible assumption. How many 6’2″ straight human rights barristers can there be in the world? Like eight?
But last time I checked ‘love’ was not something exclusive to certain people. Are you somehow suggesting that the ‘love’ of a 5’8″ IT consultant is somehow a lesser ‘love’ than that of a 6’2″ human rights barrister? Is capacity for love restricted by height? Or is it the bar exam that qualifies you to love?
Also just… WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH BEING 5’8″? (Did I mention my boyfriend is 5’8″?)

The data was personally compiled by leading matchmaker-turned author Haley Hill, who founded the UK’s biggest matchmaking agency, Elect Club.
Who?

Over a six year period, Haley collated information personally interviewing and following the relationships of over 12,000 single people aged 25-50, living in cities around the UK.
Oh wait… so when you said ‘never’ find love you actually meant til the age of 50. Indeed plenty of these ‘2 in 3’ women who didn’t find love after 35 (except the ones who did, with IT consultants) may well have gone on to find love in their 50s… or 60s. Or 70s, 80s, or 90s.
Perhaps Haley, at a sprightly 35, can’t possibly imagine life after 50 but there is life. Quite a lot of it too.

35 year-old Haley, a real life Bridget Jones, set up her dating agency because she was experiencing first hand the challenges professional women face when dating. She says that most women in their thirties wanted a Mark Darcy clone when in reality the Mark Darcy’s of the world would prefer to date girls in their twenties instead.
I am getting really confused here. Is Mark Darcy real or isn’t he? How do you know he would prefer to date girls (women) in their twenties?
Also, APOSTROPHE – ARRRRGGGHH!

“You wouldn’t believe the amount of single women in their thirties I met who expected to date a 6’2’’ human rights barrister”, she says. “It was as though Bridget Jones had given us a false hope. We could continue to be neurotic, overweight and borderline alcoholic and still be cherished by a perfect man. That was a lie,” Haley explained.
Thanks for explaining that, Haley. I’m sure glad you’re here to let us know that wanting a life exactly like one we read in a fictional book about fictional characters in fictional scenarios is probably not a realistic expectation. I’m also glad you’re here to remind us that we’re all neurotic, overweight and borderline alcoholic. Ohhh, we women eh? What are we like? Just can’t stop overanalysing, comfort eating and and getting inappropriately boozed up.
Would you mind just quickly defining ‘perfect’ for me though? I can’t be certain but I’m reasonably sure that’s subjective. So just want to check.
As for not believing the amount of women who expect to date a 6’2″ human rights barrister, try me. What was it, like five? Because actually that’s not so ridiculous. We’ve already established there are eight 6’2″ human rights barristers in the world so they’ve probably got a fairly decent chance.

“In the real world Bridget Jones is average. And she would settle down with an average man. Not Mark Darcy. Or even Daniel Cleaver for that matter.”
Fiction again! Damn that ruddy fiction!

“Women have been conditioned to strive for a perfect relationship with a perfect man, who looks perfect and behaves perfectly at all times- the irony being that none of us are perfect ourselves.
Again, I’m having issues with this ‘perfect’ thing. Could we go over it?

The longer the ‘must have’ list, the more likely it is that we’ll either need to compromise or end up frustrated and alone for longer”.
STOP DEMANDING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE YOU LIKE OR YOU WILL END UP ALONE.

Haley’s debut novel was released this week and went straight in at number 3 in Amazon bestsellers list in its genre.
Well, that’s funny. Because according to Amazon it was released at the beginning of September. Also, have a look at some of the Amazon reviews… not one of them is below four stars and they are curiously well-written and strikingly similar in style. Not only that but all the readers seem to have an in-depth knowledge of Haley’s career and background and use it to form critical analysis. Now I don’t know if you’ve had much experience on Amazon but well-written critical analysis is not generally the er… style.

Take this five-star review for a different book also entitled “It’s got to be perfect” released in 2010:

I read other books that this author wrote and really enjoyed them. i have not read this book yet saving for when i go on holidays. – Mrs G.A. Lyons

And then take this one for Haley:

I raced through this book in one weekend. I was surprised that a female author could have such an insight into how men think. That was until I found out she’d set up the biggest matchmaking agency in England and had interviewed thousands of them before writing her book! I loved every aspect of this novel from the compelling characters to the gripping storyline. This new author is certainly one to watch! – James Dawson, London

Um, really??

Ah but do you know who James Dawson is? He’s a London wine merchant who also likes George R.R. Martin and Dean Koontz. And he just happens to be Haley’s husband.

Which I suppose is quite sweet. I like to think if I wrote a book my other half would be nice about it. But if her husband is posting fake reviews (he also appears as a commenter on her Youtube ad), who else is?

The book encapsulates everything Haley has learned about dating, relationships and our unfaltering pursuit of idealised love.
At this point anything I write would just be gratuitously unkind.

Something, so far, Bridget Jones has done nothing to remedy.
Bloody Bridget.

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